Pursuit of Something (Not Knowing What To Do As An Adult)

I grew up a smart kid. I was one of those insufferable little buggers who teachers hated. My school reports all the way back to year 2 (6 years old) proved it.

Tom often looks like he isn’t paying attention, yet when questioned on the lesson, gets the answer correct…

Yeah, I was one of those kids. Growing up smart was a burden. I should have gone places. I could have gone to university. Got a degree, maybe even a Masters. I could have been Dr. Dineen. Alas, the only thing in my name of any worth is an ordainment which I bought off the internet to prove anyone could.

Call me Daddy, not Father.

I was always told I could be whatever I put my mind to, yet I could never choose something for long enough. I always ended up not knowing what to do as an adult.

Not knowing what to do as an adult.

I was intelligent enough to pick things up reasonably fast but the moment the bell curve flattened out, I grew bored of learning.

END OF PROJECT.

On to the next thing.

I had a graphic design business, an online comic book store. I was a hairdresser, a postman (for one day), a video-game developer, a writer, a rockstar (Albeit for fifteen minutes of fame).

Every time I got mildly good at something I would stop, turn around and say, ‘Nah’ then move on to something else.

I’m trying my hardest to stick with being a writer, I have a book out and a short story, that are doing well considering I self published them both and the only marketing I have is making silly TikTok’s about them.

Just this weekend my book got to number 2 in two different Amazon charts, which is fantastic, amazing news.

Bestseller Status

Yet here I am. Still procrastinating with my follow up novel. I’m taking on silly little side projects-currently turning my cupboard under the stairs into a recording booth, so I can record the audiobook myself. I get around this by saying it’s still author related, but in all honesty, I haven’t written a single word in my next book in about two weeks now. I will never become a master of anything with my current mindset. I need a change. I can’t be anything I want in life, however I could make this work. So why am I pushing it away? Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I’ve spent my whole life walking away from things the minute they stopped being easy, convincing myself I could be anything so I didn’t have to choose one thing. But writing… writing is the first thing I don’t want to see ruined by my own habits. It’s the first thing that feels worth fighting my brain for.

I don’t have to be the best at it. I don’t need a degree or a title or anyone calling me “Dr. Dineen.” I just need to choose this. Not because it’s the first thing getting traction, but because it’s the only thing I don’t want to abandon.

So, this is me choosing. Not perfection. Not mastery. Just a stubborn decision to stay. To write the next sentence instead of running from it. To see what happens when I finally stop giving up on the one thing that feels like it could actually be me.